"everyone loves babies"

the past few days have been a bit draining. alot of not knowing what exactly is going on. alot of waiting.

my grandma passed yesterday. its ironic how i just typed about nicks grandparents, and then the last one alive in my family is now gone. going to "the home" the past few days has been depressing. shes been there for the past three years or so and i have never once visited. do i regret it? im still undecided on that one. did she ever ask why i never came? did she notice? i have no idea. i guess it doesnt matter now. friday i said my goodbye to her. i said what ive been wanting to say for years. whether she heard it or not, i dont know. i hope so. if not, she hears it now.

i think knowing it was almost her time made it a bit easier for some. the waiting was just hard. i think the hardest part for me is seeing my mom. she doesnt see the bad in anyone. theres no bitter feelings towards any situation with her. and if there is, shes a master at hiding it.

i remember when her dad died, i was there when she got the phone call. she told me she would be okay and to goto school that morning. i played over and over in my head how she looked when i left the house. i got to my locker, just slide to the floor and cried. i hated knowing my mom was home while my dad was at work... i shouldve went home, but i didnt. to this day, i dont know why i didnt. and now, whenever there is a loss or just something tragic happening to anyone i love, i try not to show what could be a weakness and just be there for them if they let me. its all i could do to help my mom at that point.

but this time was different. we were all there, no phone call for the news. i was in the other room when i heard my grandma had finally let go. i went to see my mom and she was in the hall with tears in her eyes but laughing. my brother was home and had put my 9 month old nephew on the phone to say "hello"... andrew saved her from what couldve been a very overwhelming moment.

keely told me something her dad had said before and i agree. with situations concerning death, there should always be a baby around. "everyone loves babies" :-)

mom, i know you read this. i will always be your strength when you need me to be... when you feel you lost most of yours. i love you :-*